In 2019, I looked forward to 2020 as the year of clear vision. The phrase “Hindsight is always 20/20” resonated with me, and I anticipated that 2020 would give me the opportunity to look backwards, examine my past actions more closely, and grant me the clarity to move forward with strengthened purpose and a clearer path.
When I begin work on a piece of art, I often have a loose vision for the piece I’m going to create. How that vision actually takes form, in all its complexity and detail, however, is a blank to me, and only happens as I go along. Sometimes this causes frustration when I start to question whether the piece is going in the direction I intended, and I wonder if I’ve made a mistake. I start to cling the idea that maybe the piece should have gone a different way, or that it isn’t in line with what it was supposed to be. As I keep moving forward, though, I always come to the realization that although some of my expectations and hopes may not have been met, what I have ended up creating is exactly what it needed to be. Just like a prophecy, we might be aware of one piece of what is to come, but all that surrounds it, and how it actually looks when we reach the present moment, is quite different than anything we could have imagined.
2020 was much the same way. I imagined 2020’s clarity of vision to involve moving forward in ways that my 2019 self thought of as moving forward. I was instead catapulted into the dense cocoon of COVID-19, which served me well as a container space for introspection and growth. As an artist, I thought I would improve my drawing skills and expand as an artist in new ways. And I did—but not in the way that I expected.
Mandala created in Amaziograph and Procreate
First, I started working in the digital sphere. I purchased an iPad early in the year for a commercial project and started experimenting in Procreate. As a person, I am a perfectionist and expected myself to excel immediately in this new application. In reality, this was a daunting task. I am very accustomed to, and comfortable with, working in a very specific medium. As I continued to take on commercial projects, however, my skill in the digital world deepened. Currently, I primarily work in Procreate, but rely on Amaziograph’s superior geometric tools to create the base outline of the mandala. This in turn has inspired me to go further with pen and paper when it comes to the complexity of my mandalas.
Second, my work became more closely attuned with, and sensitive to, social justice; I began seeking to actively recognize and celebrate BIPOC in my work rather than remain silent on the issue of race. As an artist, I have often turned toward the utilization of neutral human-like figures in my work. My people have usually been colorless and androgynous, or my work has been entirely geometric in nature. I tended toward such neutrality because the aim of my work was to depict “universal” figures not delineated by race or gender, that are instead representative of the consciousness that dwells within all beings, without specificity of external appearance. I wanted all people to identify with my work.
Even so, due to the high saturation content surrounding my figures, I usually elected to leave the figures uncolored to serve as contrasting elements, which with watercolor paper, resulted in only “white” people. Concerned that this might be sending the wrong message, and determined that my work be part of, rather than isolated from, the ongoing social justice issues that inflamed further during spring of 2020, I started to work with watercolor to create skin tones for my figures. Rather than seek to portray an ideal of oneness, I now seek to embody the complex reality of the here and now, and celebrate, rather than bypass, the diversity of color, race, and origin. Several crucial pieces emerged in the wake of this realization, and I look forward to this aspect of my work continuing to deepen.
“Gatekeeper,” October 2020
Third, I sought to further expand my connection with the outside world. As someone who is in the initial stages of full recovery from addiction, I have moved through some very deep processes in 2020: physical healing, emotional healing, and interpersonal healing. One of the facets of my being is a tendency toward isolation. I feel most comfortable creating in my own space and and am deeply introverted. Thus, my social media presence has always been somewhat sporadic.
In 2020, I spent a great deal of time in social isolation, which was necessary on a personal level because I had a lot of inner work to do, but by the end of the year, I came to realize how valuable connecting with others can be, and how sorely I missed it. Creating art is an act of self-expression for me, so it’s very personal, but it’s also a way of connecting to others that has the potential to change lives and inspire others to find their own joy in life. I love sharing my work, I love talking about art, and I love connecting with people and celebrating acts of self-expression! In 2020, I began to focus more intently on building my social media presence, and in 2021, I seek to expand the ways in which I’m able to directly and meaningfully connect with others. Please stay tuned for more details.
All in all, taking the bad with the good, the highs with the lows, I gained the clarity I sought from 2020. Furthermore, taking what I’ve learned, I’ve started 2021 with the desire to be more present in each moment, rather than relying on expectations that a former self created in the past, or an attachment to what the future should look like. Steadily, through stormy and fair weather, I’ve been moving toward a greater surrender to life rather than resisting and trying to control it at every turn. I look forward to the unknowableness of what is to come as I reflect on how many incredible things have happened during a year that sometimes felt insurmountable.