It's been a creatively fruitful summer, perhaps even more so because of the inward-looking nature of my personal journey during these unusual times.
May, June, and July provoked an awareness of the need for greater introspection, marking self-examination as key during a time of vast societal upheaval. August has continued the push toward living more mindfully.
Creatively speaking, I've pushed myself a great deal this year -- and also questioned why I do so much pushing. I tend never to be satisfied with the quality of my work, and have been feeling an increased pressure to broaden my skill level across multiple creative mediums, from watercolor to digital media to acrylics.
Recently I’ve been more present with my inner dialogue, paying close attention to my habitual thoughts and the effects that they provoke within my psyche. In my belief that I must to push myself as hard as possible in order to achieve my goals, I tend to order myself around, and shame or chastise myself if I don’t do as I’m told. As I’ve become more aware of the constant demands that my inner “tyrant” makes on an understandably resistant other half, I have begun to notice the inner struggle that it generates, and the exhausting effect of being so frequently besieged. I am often twisted into two combative, incohesive selves, each doing what it thinks is right!
Through this examination of my inner dialogue, I have had the opportunity to revisit the circularity of the quest for self-acceptance. If we have a core belief that we are incompetent and need to be told what to do, won’t we create a merciless tyrant who does what it thinks must be done (demanding, commanding, antagonizing) in order to create a solution to the perceived problem? And if we have a core belief that we are not whole, then attainment of all the milestones and goal markers in the world will not and can not convince us otherwise. If that’s true, what goals are truly worth pursuing, and which are better surrendered to the sacrificial pyre?
In becoming aware of the reflexive nature of my psyche, much of the summer has encompassed a movement away from forcing, and toward complete acceptance of who I am and what I feel called to do in each moment. I've begun to rediscover the joy in learning new skills, creating in new ways, and working toward leveling up my abilities, without feeling that I must do so. All of this comes of a natural joy and curiosity to explore creatively, and of the desire to cultivate a compassionate, rather than dictatorial, dialogue with myself.
As I’ve progressed creatively, I’ve found that my work is reflective of the realizations I’ve had over the past few months. Her Greatest Gift, in particular, represents an affirmation of the value of compassion and communication, and illustrates the feedback loop between our inner and outer worlds. We cannot completely and abundantly love others if we are incapable or unwilling to love ourselves. Once we are able to hold ourselves tenderly with love and compassion, we inevitably begin to extend that love outward. In time, we come to perceive that the seeming separation and difference between ourselves and what we once saw as Other is only an illusory boundary, and that all things are interwoven and interconnected.
My July piece Alchemista represents the transformative potential that often lies dormant within ourselves. In one hand, the alchemist holds lead, the raw material to be purified and refined; in the other, she holds gold, the end product of an energetically powerful conversion process. Each is innately valuable, for there is no one point in our developmental process that is superior or lesser than the others. Dark or light, happy or sad, tormented or joyous, every expression of our being is essential to our growth. In each moment of our lives, we are divine expression! The only thing that changes is our perception. The alchemist balances lead and gold equally in her outstretched hands, respecting the path, respecting the flow of the growth process. Behind her, a pair of radiant wings spread outward, symbolizing the flight of the phoenix from the remnants of its former self.
—
So far, Summer 2020 has been challenging! Yet I often find that it is during such times that we make important discoveries about ourselves, and these realizations have the potential to significantly change how we will live our lives in the coming years. I hope that all of you are finding some meaning to the madness, and that even the most difficult experiences are providing ample fertilizer for critical realizations in your own lives.